PUPS && UPDATE

Hey everyone, I know it's been awhile since I last posted but I really needed a break as my head wasn't in it, I don't want to sound 'oh poor me' I just want to be honest as to where I'm at, but I have had an awful time with depression the past few weeks which is getting the better of me right now, as I have mentioned before I'm recovering from an eating disorder but right now my weight is really bring me down. I can't bring myself to leave the house on my own in fear of what other people think and I know realistically people do judge but not to the point were they pick out every flaw and scrutinise, with that the weight gain as a result of not exercising is quiet overwhelming. I'm stuck at a cross road but hopefully I can fight through this because I don't want to go down the self destructive road again. I won't be posting any OFTD posts for awhile until I feel a bit more confident in myself.

Moving on, I'm glad I got that out of the way, hope you all enjoyed the vlog of the puppy's, they are the most cutest little bundle of fluffs. They all are so different in looks and personality, I've become so attached to them, I'll be heart broken once they are gone. Tomorrow is my 21st birthday, I don't know how I feel about this, it's pretty scary getting 'old' and not knowing what the future holds, in another sense i'm shocked to have made it this far in to adult hood. 'it all goes down hill after 21' please say it isn't true. Oh I forgot to mention that I got my highlighter orange colour in my hair again, I love it, it's so vibrant, it's about time I got rid of the dodgy multi orangy/red. As I mentioned in the video if there is any post you would like me to do more of please just leave a comment, thanks.

Stomp Out Suicide

As you all may have known that it was Suicide Awareness day on September the 10th , people were told to write love on the their wrist or to wear yellow to show support for those who have considered or been affected in anyway, and to remember those who have took their own lives. I have been contemplation on weather to write this post or not for the past few days hence why i'm late, I thought if I could at least reach out to one of my readers and make a difference than yes I had to write this post. This post is just going to be the basic outline of what I went through and I felt like I should leave out some personal pieces, in no way am looking for attention by writing this post as I mentioned before that i'm hoping to reach out to people even be it just one.
I'm sure I wasn't born this way but then again I can't seem to remember a time where I was truly happy. I become so good at hiding the pain, the pain that was so dark and overwhelming that my glowing smile and bubbly personality would have tricked you. I can recall the start of my teenage years of been full of hatred towards myself and that's when I fell down the road of self destruction. I just wanted the pain to disappear, every waking minute was occupied by my obsessive thoughts and feelings. 
I felt like I was losing my mind, I began to self harm, it was my way of releasing the pain within me. It allowed me to shut off from the world. I started to engage in other behaviors such as an eating disorder which to this day is a struggle, cracks began to appear in my mask. My friends did try to reach out and help but I refused to let anyone in, my eating disorder had such a hold on me that I pushed everyone out of my life, I even stopped going to school. 
Each day was a struggle to get by, I wanted to kill myself. Every night I would lay down and realise how pointless and lonely my life had become, the thoughts and plans would start to brew. One night I broke, the adrenalin in me was over boiling and the impulse to self destruct was too extreme, I over dosed on sleeping pills. I was so scared, I panicked, luckily enough I text-ed my best friend who insisted I woke up my parents in which I did. The trip to the hospital was a blur but I woke up a day later and was sent to the psych hospital as I was still a danger to myself. 
So here I am now 20 years old writing this post, I am now not ashamed to talk about my issues, yet I still struggle and fall backwards on occasions but i'm learning to work through my problems one baby step at a time. Bit by bit i'm I am changing and growing stronger, it's a slow process but a well worthy one. I believe that I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for all that I've experienced, I now have the ability to make a change in which I hope to raise awareness for mental health.
Suicide is not to be taking lightly, if you feel suicidal or you know of someone who is, I want you to know that help is available and recovery is possible. Please don't be afraid to seek for help, you deserve the help you need to get back to living life to the fullest. Nobody just wakes up one Sunday morning and becomes depressed, it's a mental illness. I know how easy it is to start blaming yourself but hand on heart it is not your fault, I promise things do and will get better. I am always just a message away so don't ever feel like you are on your own, I will also leave a list below of some helplines. STAY STRONG.

• Samaritans

• 08457 90 90 90 (UK)

1850 60 90 90 (ROI)

National Suicide Prevention 

1 – 800 – 273 – TALK (USA)

Life Line

13 11 14 (AUS)

Life Line

(09) 5222 999 within Auckland

0800 543 354 outside Auckland